yes i'm still here

an adult survivor of child abuse

  • 18th July
    2014
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  • 18th July
    2014
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  • 18th July
    2014
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  • 18th July
    2014
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Wow you have a powerful story. I am sorry your mother reacted negatively. The first person in my family to get a small hint of what was going on was my older brother when I was 12. He did not spend the time to look into it, but just brushed it under the rug. That was just as emotionally painful as the rapes. When the people who are supposed to be on your side and fight for you do otherwise, it's awful. Luckily we still survived :) btw, follow my other blog instead "thrivers-letting-go"

Asked by: cocomio

You know, you’re right. It was emotionally painful to have my mother react the way she did. I felt abandoned and betrayed, like what I was telling her didn’t matter. It does matter. It affects every day of my life. It affects my mental health, my relationships, my emotional well being, my physical state, my ability (or lack thereof) to trust people, and it affects how I handle life in general.

I understand what you’re feeling with your older brother. It takes an incredible amount of courage and trust to open up to someone, regardless of their relation to you, only to have what you say manipulated or ignored. When my mother tried to make excuses for the piece of vile excrement who performed awful, horrid acts on her own flesh and blood, twisting my words around to make me feel like it was my fault, I was absolutely crushed. I don’t know what I expected really. Maybe a sense of relief. Maybe a hug or a few tears. Or even just her reassuring me that it’s all over now that I’m grown. But when she started jumbling my words around in her mouth and then proceeded to spit out justifications for what this man did, it made me feel more lost.

I’d like to say that I’ve let go of the hurt and anger I feel towards her but I haven’t. And that’s truly a shame for a daughter to feel that way towards her mother.  She shouldn’t have hesitated to be on my side. But I truly believe there’s a lot of guilt lying under the surface. However, to get her to admit there is another battle I just don’t want to fight. 

You know, it’s good that you use the word survivor. Things started to get better when I shifted the view of myself to survivor from victim. I acknowledge that what happened is over, but I also accept that the residual effects are still here. It’s also a very good thing that you and I are talking about what happened, regardless of how we’re getting it out there. 

I know this response is a bit long, but I think it’s important for anyone who made the decision to open up to a person or people in their life only to have their words twisted or ignored or mocked know that they are truly not alone. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a solid support system IRL, but I’m always here for anyone who needs an ear or a virtual shoulder to cry on or just another human being to say “Yes, what happened to us is fucked up”. 

  • 15th July
    2014
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evilnerdproductions:

“You would look so much better if you lost some weight-“

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“You would be so much cuter with make up-“

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“Make sure you shave or wax way all that body hair-“

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“You shouldn’t wear that-“

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“You would be beautiful if you just changed how you look-“

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(via harmfullyincomplete)

  • 15th July
    2014
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  • 15th July
    2014
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triptone:

Last night my little sister (5th grade) was making an e-mail account

She saw gender and went to click female when she noticed the “other” choice

She looked at me confused and I started to explain that some people don’t think they fit in with strictly male or female

"Oh! You mean like transgender and stuff like that. I was freaked out for a second- I thought they meant robots."

Yet another example the kids are more open-minded than adults

(via abbadamn)

  • 22nd April
    2014
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    2014
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    2014
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    2014
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  • 16th April
    2014
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    2014
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    2014
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  • 16th April
    2014
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I really love your blog. And the technique of using the rising and falling of the waves to meditate is one that I've not heard before, but helpful. I hope everything's well with you. Thanks for finding me!

Asked by: kathrynscollins

thank you for taking the time to read/explore my blog. i find the meditation technique to be the only thing that keeps my brain still for extended periods of time. i hope things are well with you too. have a beautiful day!